Final night in Bangkok

So we woke up after an epic night of Johnny having the sickness and diarrhear all night. I went to catch a few final rays on the beach and then we said goodbye to Jai and Abie and got a taxi to Koh Samui airport. The airport was just like a garden centre, about one departure gate and flowers everywhere. The flight was easy, but the food they tried to serve us was like joke food. a hard sweet bread that contained one peice of smoked fish that gave you a rough taste in your mouth, and what looked like a slice of cheesecake until you tried it and realised it was EGG. Also some sort of custard dough. RANK. We got to Bangkok and asked at a desk for a 'nice hotel near to the airport' We go to the hotel and after the last place, its a dump!! its ok but its just a bit shabby. The pool is on the roof and looks like the roof of a multi storey car park. Its also in proper slum area and theres loads of stink outside in the river. It looks like where Eminem grew up or something. We left the hotel in search of somewhere nice to eat and after walking through the slums getting sketchy looks we arrived onto the MOTORWAY. We walked down for a bit and realised there wasnt going to be a nice hotel around so we flagged a taxi and, not knowing where the hell we were, we just asked to go to 'somewhere nice to eat'. He drove for a bit then his phone rang and he passed it to us! some woman on the line asked where we wanted to go so she passed our message to him and then he drove up the motorway for a bit, then turned and went back for a bit, then turned right and drove into this weird slumdog place and we exchanged looks of kidnap fears and scams etc. Then eventually we arrived at this floating restaurant which looked really nice. There were fish swimming around, like massive coy carp, and the whole thing was rocking like a boat. The menu was a complete joke, the translations were so funny. Stuff like "Fried snake head with fish dress" ERR WHO??? so out of the blue I asked the woman for a blow job. (It was on the cocktail menu but johnny hadnt seen it so he gave me the weirdest look and it was gold!hahaha) then i ordered papaya salad with blue crab, THINKING I WOULD PLAY IT SAFE. WRONG.


Johnnys two dishes came about half an hour before mine, and he tucked in, I'd already had my blow job which was just a shot of Kahlua with some whipped cream on the top that you drink through a straw, then mine came. It was a normal papaya salad but with small COLD BLUE CRABS on it, i seriously thought they were alive. They looked like they had come STRAIGHT FROM A ROCK POOL! I immediately took them off and put them on a sideplate. they werent even edible i swear, they had no meat and were fucking cold!! anyway i started on the salad and it was HOTTER THAN THE SUN!!! i can do heat but JESUS christ. SO didnt eat much. Then we got bitten alive by mosquitos but it was a really pretty setting on the water. Then i had a massive cocktail and we went back onto the motorway to try to get a cab. Not a single cab. Only CRAZY motorcylists going about 120mph wearing NO HELMET with NO LIGHTS!!!! fucking MENTAL place!!! anyway we're back at the hotel now and ready to go home! hahaha just hoping we are not ill for the 12 hour plane ride!!!

Jimi Hendrix

Last night we chilled for a bit and I watched a cheesy surfing film which REALLY made me want to go surfing! Then we went into town and ate at the Thai equivilent of nandos and I had HALF a chicken!! it was nice to have an appetite back though and the ability to actually finish a meal! then we found a Jimi Hendrix bar where you can write any song down and they will play it. The guy had SO much music on his computer!!!! Telling him about Spotify would have broken his heart! So I requested a few old school rock songs like Where is my mind by the Pixies and The Bitter End by Placebo and it was cool. Then we returned to the hiphop bar and watched a really cool dance off in the street between a Thai boy and an English boy. The English boy was loads better and was body popping and flicking his hat around and was called Eddie and I said to his friend he is like Eddie Gordo from Tekken and he creased!
Albie and johnny looked on, jealously.

Then we went back to the club we'd visited the night before, Green Mango which was cool. Did a lot of dancing with my shoes off and then Jai and Albie had an argument so we went home. Jai said in the taxi back that I hadnt spent any time with them. I think spending a week and a half is quite enough and anyway Ive been ill, I prefer the beach to their pool and just chill out! no neeeeeed. We're flying to Krabi tomorrow to then fly to Bangkok to then fly home!!! :)

Animals

There are lots of stray dogs and cats here. Johnny likes to stroke ALL of them. I like to touch none really. But some are really friendly. He has not had a single jab, and from the camera, it looks like he is a Rabies advert/Dr Doolittle/Ace ventura. A man came up to me on the beach earlier who carries a monkey round his neck and a polaroid camera with the idea that you pay 100 baht for a photo with the monkey. They are so pushy though, he approached me and I said no, thanks. Then he started to lower the monkey onto my sunbathing self until I had to almost shout out no no no! I did not want a scratchy itchy costly rabied monkey on my sunburn! TWIT


Today i have mostly been on the beach. The others seem to prefer to mooch around the swimming pool/room/hot tub but the beach is so beautful and there are people there and music and cocktails being served in pineapples and two really cool kitesurfing men who have been non stop since I got here and blue waters and white sand. Theres one dog who we call Shirley who likes to come up to me and lick the suncream off my legs (mad) and then sleep under my sunbed. Last night at dinner we watched a sick 18 year old boy from Laos doing a fire poi show whilst we ate dinner (my appetite has shrunk massively and I can hardly finish most meals, i was proud today at lunch when i finished my crab and tomato salad) but last night I ate fishcakes followed by a red curry and couldnt eat hardly any of the curry. There were also a family of dogs, mum dad and a baby. All the same breed, both parents licking the baby and it was soo sweet. Johnny took a thousand photos. He has a tendancy to snap a lot.

Ive finished my antibiotics for my bites now but might go to buy some more as im sure i will be bitten again as i get bitten everday and dont want them swelling up and flashing with infection again.

I still have an upset stomach which is becoming very strange but I am sure it will be ok.

I like to drink watermelon shakes (watermelon, ice and sugary water) sooo fit - i'm definitely making them this summer. Probably not whilst its still snowing in Brighton though hahah. Its also so good to have a TV in my room! this hotel room is TWICE THE SIZE OF MY FLAT. its unreal!!!! but yeah even the little luxury like that, which is meaningless given the beauty of this country, is a real win.

Dirty Spider and Thai massage

Yesterday as i took my trousers out of my bag to wear at night time to cover my pretty bad sneaky sunburn (i'm usually really good at avoiding sunburn!) something dropped to the floor. It looked like a bunch of dried grass or something and for a split second I ignored it, and then instinct kicked in and I realised it was a dead spider all curled up. I watched it for a bit to check it was dead, and after it not moving for a few seconds I thought it would be best to get a cup to put over it anyway. I went to get the cup and when I turned back around, it was on the move. I shat myself but lunged forward and placed the cup! then johnny came down and immediately saw the cup, and you know when you see an upturned cup or glass what is going on really don't you. So he called to a passing thai hotel assistant who took it outside and we all watched it crawl away into the undergrowth with is hairy legs. Shudder. I just thought how lucky I was that it wasnt actually in my trousers as I put them on. A Spider bite to sunburnt legs would not have been fun

yeah so i currently have a rouge face, chest and legs and am creaking around like a big red wooden statue. I am so not cut out for hot countries! give me cool temperatures! I went in the sea yesterday which was so nice and warm and ate a lovely steak and another papaya salad and the breakfast buffet is lovely here. we are currently in a place called The Briza Resort and Spa in Koh Samui if you want to look it up (which i highly reccomend!)

Yeseterday i had a back, neck and shoulder massage ON THE BEACH by a woman who was so good! and it was only about 3 pounds! I told her i loved her at the end of it. So relaxing.. :)

Full Moon Party

So last night we went out on Koh Samui to see whether it was worth the mad, expensive dash to the world famous full moon party. All the street food is so much better here. I had some beef skewers which had pineapple and veg on them and were sooo tasty and a couple of cocktails. We met a man in the street with a really long thumbnail which he claimed, proudly, to have been growing for 5 years?! we asked what its purpose was and he said Cocaine and other reasons that he cannot tell us?!!! Jonny bought loads of the hyper red bull shit but i've vowed never to touch it again! so i just had a few sips of neat vodka and after much deliberating we thought: we have to go, its only accross the water and its silly not to have a look. So we jumped in a tuk tuk, Jai having an attack of the shits and having to stop the taxi and get out (Literally a minute before we got to our destination haha the shame) and then we jumped aboard a really fast speed boat, donned our life jackets and set sail. There were looooads of MAD for it brits abroad on the boat and i got them going by starting a nice loud rendition of "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands". When we got there we went through street after street of chav city stalls selling buckets of alcohol and UV paint and glowsticks and t-shirts the lot and we were starting to wonder where the actual beach was?! The heaving crowd down onto the beach was super claustrophobic (30,000 people, average age of 20, all fucked and FIREWORKS going off!) Jai painted me up a bit and we got to it. The BUCKETS were so strong, or just weird, that after ONE SIP, I wretched. Now, I dont have a sicky intolerance to alcohol, but seriously ONE sip made me wretch. The full moon party wasnt really for me, it seemed a bit Ibiza esque and without loads of mates about it was a bit dry. Everyone around me was fucked and in the end we decided to go. After Jai wondering about and causing loads of drunken mischeif. We laid down in the grass for a bit and then went to get our ferry back but the queue was MASSIVE. So we took a local up on the offer of an illegal taxi boat back (longtail boat) for a price. so we all clambered in, and swallowed our fear (I was pretty sober) about crossing the shark infested water in a sketchy boat for half an hour in the dark!!!!!

we got back safe and sound and there were a few zombies knocking about still wearing their UV stuff and then i bought some peppered ham and fruit juice and went to bed. When i woke up there was some palava about our camera being stolen as jonny had accidently put it in the landry bag and when we asked the man he said it wasnt but johnny said it definately was. I wasnt sure if the man couldnt understand jonny because when i showed up and asked it turned up, but that was also when jonny started saying the word police so i dunno. anyway we were checking out for reasons i didnt understand... jonny jai and albie just said come on get your stuff weve found a place on the beach. So we bundeled into a taxi and when we got here i understood. its not a place on the beach. Its a PALACE on the beach. It is silly unreal fly gangster amazing outstanding and excellent. it is fantastic, over-whelming and has its OWN PRIVATE beach, sorry what? yeah and hot tub massive bed, massive living area, incredible staff, we all had sirloins delivered to our rooms when we got there, and then seafood platters later on!!! today we are going jet skiing!


im just glad the day on the beach has finally come!!!!!!!!!!! this trip has been so eventful in just a week! time to relax a bit now!

Krabi to Koh Samui

So TODAY we travelled from 11.30 am - 7.30pm comprising of a mini bus to a coach to a boat to an ISLAND!! its the night of the full mooon party tonight in Koh Pangyan so its mental busy everywhere!! loooads of brits abroad tearing it up getting ready to get fuckd up!! the boat was awesome the whole trip was wicked, im feeling better and it is good to get back into civilisation!!!

illness and elephants

and then I went to a Thai hospital where two doctors examined me and gave me some antibiotics. Then we got back on the bikes and as i was trying to pull away, lost control of the bike as it was on gravel by the side of the road and fell over with it! only grazed my legs luckily but it shook me up. most common bike accident here. We then took 1.5 hours to get back to our hotel because we kept getting lost and in the end called the receptionist who drove his bike out to us then we followed him back. We later walked to a nearby hotel and had some greeen curry yum yum then got an early night cos the next day we had elephant trekking booked to be picked up at 9am!!


Our tour took us first to a hot spring, which was as warm as a bath, and then to Emerald pool which was a turquoise pool in the middle of the jungle. Amazing. Then we went back in the van and got to Tiger Temple, where you have the option of climbing 1237 steps to get to the big buddha at the top - i did about 300 then got vertigo and turned back! Proper steep steps!!! crazy monks! THEN we got to the elephants and rode in a carriage type thing on the back and then took it in turns to sit on the neck! there was a little Tarzan controlling and steering it with a stick and taking a thousand photos of us. It was so good, then we got to feed them, and their mouths are like some weird alien shit!! weird pink tongue vacuum!!! we were shattered but when we got back, we had a surprise visit from Jai and Albie who turned up at our villa and so we caiught up over some drinks and then got on it!!!

For the past two days ive been in bed with food poisioning which has been horrible. Fever, and toilet visits ever few hours. We got a boat with Jai and Albie to an Island called Poda which was so beautiful. The waters were turquoise and i did a bit of snorkelling and there were tiger fish (black and yellow) and Jai drove the boat back. It started pissing down when we reached Krabi again so I got in a tuk tuk as i was feeling pretty queasy and have been in bed ever since! got up tonight to come out to feel a bit better and to book tomorrows adventure. We are taking a bus and boat to Koh Samui. I have now got two bites on my FACE which is fun.

Bangkok to Krabi

After an amaZIng stay at siamsiam hotel we finally came down from the crazy super strength red bull and so when we took the taxi to the airport I passed out for a well needed power Nap. The rain was coming down so hard that the road looked like a lake and even the taxi man admitted he was worried! The plane was delayed by an hour on board oh and at
This point I had food poisoning so had to keep saying hello to the toilets! Yay also the 9 mosquito bites I have, despite putting on repellent all the time, were now FLaShInG with infection I wanted to break out some dance moves!! ! When we landed we thought our bags had gone too but they had just turned up on another conveyer belt. We had one Chang beer at the villa at the deserted bar which looked like something from a western with saddles, bull skulls on the wall and a CHRISTMAS tree inside ?!? The sign reads 'pool table on the way'. We slept from about 8 due to chronic
General fatigue and woke up at 5 and waited for it to get light as we were so excited about seeing the beach next to which we are staying (1 minute walk away) and it is stunning. There are some weird mangey cats about with half a tail and it is sooo humid here! Today after A homegrown fruit salad of
Banana and watermelon we hired
Mopeds for about 10p and
after 2 minutes practise in the car park I felt ready to ride. We buzzed into town to get some antibiotics for my bites...

BANGKOK

SO the flight was long!!!11 or 12 hours but the air staff were so nice and even the food was nice. We ate at the airport, TWICE (smoked salmon salad and then a shrimp salad at a caviar and champagne bar) then had a thai curry on the plane. Got a bit pissed on the plane and slept for bit but it wasnt comfortable enough to get a proper sleep, even though they give you a pillow and a blanket! So I watched a bit of Ratatouille and Killer Elite. When we arrived in Bangkok it took us ages to get through immigration as there were sooo many people and you have to have your photo taken and the man does not smile at all, but we had a personal chauffer waiting to drive us to our hotel which was very handy and then we got outside and the heat hit us! huuuuuuuuuuuuuumid

On the drive to the hotel (which was pretty crazy, they drive like nutters and there are so many motorbikes with girls on the back, SITTING SIDEWAYS with no helmets on) the buildings are so cool, like a glossy gangster brand new bank next to a shack next to an amazingly designed old school temple type thing. And you can see the heat wobbling in the air.

The hotel is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fresh. I have never seen anything like it. Its really stylish with arty stuff everywhere and cool lights and there is a roof terrace and a sushi bar and a gym and a pool and a spa and complimentry drinks and canapes on arrival consisting of seafood in a papaya sauce and we I had beef carpaccio followed by scallops for dinner last night. We were gonna just crash out and sleep for ages but we thought its bangkok, weve only got two nights here - we have to go out!

So we asked the staff about ping pong shows and they laughed but said they would personally take us, so this man drove us there and waited outside whilst we went to this show...

Reeally seedy little club with a girl on stage who was blowing out a birthday cake candles with her vagine, and then another one opened a bottle?! and then another one pulled loooads of paper out, and then another one pulled some razer blades out on string, then another one wrote welcome to Bangkok on paper, then another one popped a load of ping pongs out and caught them. Then another one came on and got fucked by this guy in about twenty different positions to the point where he was upside down with his feet wrapped around two poles. I wanted to take photos but the security was pretty hot. we had tequilas and then johnny was sick on the floor. Haaa

Then we got the same guy to drive us to koh sang road where we bought some jokes little toys (like a puppet bird that sqeaks) and some dancing robots and loads of English Summer songs came on so I did ALL the dance routines to all the people at the tables next to us. Then I ate some street food (chicken) and then we got a tuc tuc all the way home. Woke up having a dream that I had to get Will to cover a shift at three and ten and was saying it aloud and then we went to the INFINITY swimming pool and swam and realised it was about 6.30am I think we were still pissed a bit. Amazing pool, pretty much on the roof of this hotel. The view from this hotel is absolutely incredible, it looks like new york or something. Just loooads of amazing buildings everywhere. Its a really nice day today and weve just had breakfast (smoked salmon, eggs, bacon, spinach, GWAVA (which was in the room) and loads of fruit ive never even seen!! The mini bar in the room is so comprehensive as well it has everything and the shower is sooo good (especially after my shitty bedsit shower!) gonna relax today and get some welllll needed sleep and then get a bit of a tan by the pool before heading back to Koh Sang road probably. Might touch a tiger at some point too! :)