Yums

I just made flapjacks. Coconut, cranberry and chocolate, to be precise. They are currently cooling before Sam and Toby devour the entire tray in one ravenous, slobbering bite, getting crumbs all down their tops and around their mouth and then collapsing in a sugary heap and groaning through buttery chops why there isn't any more. Earlier Sam and I cooked Salmon in the George Foreman grill. It's so useful, and Toby had thrown it in the recycling, purely because it was dirty! how lazy is that?! I told him 'No, I will clean it, and we keep it yeah?' deal. Silly. So we wanted to do salmon not the normal way (which is garlic, chilli, ginger, soy sauce and honey) and so just did it straight up, and then added a pre-bought salsa dip containing beans, tomatoes and chilli, and I heated it and added a few toasted pumpkin seeds (which I toast to garnish the pumpkin soup with) and we had it with some steamed veg, it was really tasty. The salmon was perfect. Definitely getting a George Foreman for our own flat.

Back in Brighton

It's great being back in Brighton. Although I initially decided that I didn't want to return to bar work, I am assistant manager of Three and Ten, which is such a cool little venue! I am loving the theater upstairs with its comedy nights and independent drama productions and am meeting loads of new interesting characters. Long hours though mean my days off are very precious, and leave me with little desire to do much else but rest and eat! good for saving money!

I am already thinking about the next adventure though, as I think it helps preserve sanity whilst working full time, having a big plan to work on. I have been wanting to go to South America for some time, and having recently read a book on the corruption in Mexico, am strangely drawn towards visiting, not for very long though. I would also love to see the West coast of North America, and am thinking of starting in California, maybe doing a bit of surfing and the travelling down to Mexico, followed by Peru, Brazil or Chile.

Clearly all of this will cost loads, and we don't even have our own place to live properly yet. Its all good paying only £100 a month now but we have hidden costs (a depressed housemate who just drains all energy and positiveness from the flat and is a total pain in the ass) and this weekend the flat owner has returned for a Frisbee tournament and wants to sleep in her room (our room) for a night. So we have to either A) sleep with depressed housemate or B) find somewhere else for the night. I am working till 4am so its unlikely that anyone will be able to accommodate me from such a late hour so I am probably just going to sleep at work!!! on the sofa!! or in the hammock! I wish moving out would be easier but with Sam still being unemployed and his job seekers allowance not even coming through yet, things are tough.

I am currently sat in bed enjoying the peace of having the flat to myself (everyone has gone to the frisbee tournament) and nursing a stinking cold, trying to dose up on as much nutritious food and green teas before work at 3.30pm. At least I have Sunday and Monday off.

Work is cool, we were blessed with the company of Ugly Duckling who had just played a gig in Brighton last Saturday, so it was great to meet them and provide hospitality for them. I got my tshirt signed as well. Working so many hours means the weeks are flying by, but this is good because it seems like pay day is very often.

I think i am going to make a massive batch of spicy pumpkin soup today and binge on hummous.

Sam, Dave and I cooked a meal last night, and I bought a WHOLE SQUID to play with. It was so disgusting and amazing, with it's ink SACK full of ink, and it's BLACK BEAK and it's really long slimy suckered tentacles and it's SPINE which looked like plastic, it really didn't look natural at all. Weird. Takes no time to cook, literally 30 seconds on the George Foreman with loads of chilli and garlic and lemon juice. So we had that with some salmon on brown Basmati rice and honey and paprika roasted veg. Well fit.

Poblet

For the last three weeks I have been in Poblet, a segregated little hamlet near an equally remote town called Espluga de Francoli, the two are about a 30 minute walk apart and the walk is peppered with an abudance of hazelnut and almond tress, along with fruiting brambles. It´s a tasty walk. There are less teachers at this camp; half as many as Prades, but there is not a single dickhead! which is rather refreshing (I feel in such a small vicinity it would have only amplified their annoyance).

My class have been my ultimate favouite class over the two years in this job and teaching teenagers is definiately more interesting. They have an overall higher level of English so they can understand jokes better and they are surpisingly well behaved. Also the theatre they performed, Super Sweet 16th (chosen by me) was full of inuendos which they had written themselves and therefore highly entertaining, causing us to win out of the whole school.

The food here has been marginally better too, just small touches such as adding dried oregano at breakfast for us to put on our parma ham and tomato before we microwave it. I am going mad for ham here this term!!! serious MEAT eater. MEATER. Also there are platters on each table, for example spring rolls or curly fries (still shit food but the difference does wonders for your mental stimulation!)

Sam and I watched "Chopper" the other night, and were talking about how rubbish it would be to end up in prison and have to serve a 3 year sentence or so, when Sam said "yeah and we´ve only been here NINE weeks!" haha the comparison to incarceration was too good.

My lessons have been much more self-indulgent here but it is encouraged. For example I have taught lessons on graffiti culture, extreme sports, surf culture and chav stereotypes, body language, revolting recipes, eating disorders and Amy Winehouse. There is a larger workload here though, as we are teaching for five hours a day, which requires a significant amount of additional work to plan lessons, photocopying etc.

Last weekend we went to Tarragona and met up with LIAM and LUKE from Prades and had a big bitch about the whole thing in the sea, which was amazing. Then on return, Sam and I went out to eat some, what we thought was squid, as they dont provide food for us on Saturday. The Spanish called it "Sepia" and it was so tasty, with a little garlic, parsley and olive oil, anyway I looked it up and it´s cuttlefish, they serve it a lot here at camp too, it´s pretty tasty and really high in protein. MEATT MEAT MEAT.

Other than transfering invaluable knowledge on niche subjects in a creative manner, I have mostly been applying for jobs in Brighton, where Sam and I have a flat confirmed with his friend from the frisbee team on the seafront. I am currently aspiring to be a secretary/receptionist and have been applying nearly everyday but so far it has proved fruitless.

Some grammar topics are so hard sometimes, as my class are first certificate level, so I have to learn the grammar myself before I can teach it, obviously as a native speaker we never need to learn rules etc!!!

Joke of the term. What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? HALLUMI!

I am currently having a UK hip hop phase. BRAINTAAAAX

The Parties are amazing here, the monitors invite the teachers to get involved, unlike Prades, and in the first week they transformed the entire building (which is an old hotel) into a haunted house, and I was genuinely really scared when going through it. Dark corridors with mysterious banging noises, a flash of light and then a dead girl with a black mouth (not a black person´s mouth haha) and black backcombed hair. Or a dead hand tied to a door. I dressed up as a dead doctor.

Today the boredom was a real test. We have exhausted all there is to do around here now (which features the pool and the bar) and my book is nearly finished (amazing book about hunting the most wanted drug kingpin in Mexico, El Chapo) and so we just went to bed!!!

It´s another teacher´s birthday today so we are going out to a nearby hotel for a meal.

We have been going for early morning runs at 7.15am to get back for breakfast at 8.30. Breakfast is my favourite meal, as it´s safe, always the same, you cant go wrong. A banana, some special K, coffee, pineapple juice, parma ham, oregano and some tomatoes. FIT

ENGLISH SUMMER 2011

So its been ages since I posted anything because mainly its been a repeat process of last year, with a few character exceptions, of course. HAHAH.

So, in my first term i had to endure and work with a girl called Sarah Jane. She was a FAT SHIT with full-on corn rows, a red appearance due to a lack of suncream and wearing a constant scowl, it was fowl. She would ask the most obvious of questions in a staff meeting and actually ask the director during meetings to drive her to the nearest town to buy her a packet of cigarettes when she would have greatly benefited from the excersise and lesson in not smoking herself. So she worked with me and taught my class that the present simple from of the verb "do" is DONE, so they wrote in their example diary entries "today i done this, then i done that", etc. I died. Also when we were marking the exams she had to check with me to see if it was more strong or stronger, more beautiful or beautifuler etc. I went mad.

SO, my second term i anticipated a slightly better work partner, only to be given a monotonous weed with verbal diarrhea, and because she had two plastic bones in one ear she could not appreciate or even slightly realise how fucking annoying her mumbling bollocks was. So she pretty much told me her life sentence as the answer for the simplest of questions, such as how are you? and no one would give her the time of day to listen to it, and it was absolute irrelevant bullshit anyway. For example, you would come into her bedroom and notice her asleep, she would wake up and TELL YOU she was sleeping, so therefore "she would be asleep for a while so maybe she will talk to you later but dont worry but anyway she is asleep so lets talk about it later and she is asleep now" etc.

My third work partner we have nicknamed "the green giant" after the sweetcorn adverts, because she has a massive face with her mouth and chin being maginfied as in a story, and she continues to ask if I am ok on a daily basis with the premonition that something terrible has happened to me, when in fact i am merely avoiding her stare and face because that alone is depressing enough, let alone the face that she is my WORK partner and i have to actively discuss my class and behaviour problems and teaching with her. She is unreal.

So far one girl here has broken her face and has had to be sent home, another has left due to depression, another has left because she has an interview and as of this weekend the numbers have been greatly reduced (in males especially) to a few dry females who find it entertaining to recycle the same tediously boring converstations about meaningless subjects since the first term and to be honest i cannot wait for saturday where i will be able to see sam and we will be having a real holiday in Barcelona.

My lessons have been pretty jokes so far though, e.g., today i taught them DISGUSTING meals just before lunch and one girl cried all lesson cos she wanted to go home cos her mum has cancer. Which is pretty bad but they still loved the lesson but most of them loved it even if they were annoyed at me for informing them of the notion of "head cheese" just before lunch. Tomorrow i am teaching them about hideous animals such as snakes that eat dogs, and storm chasers and then the next day about silly extreme sports like cheese rolling and zorbing.

First Week in Prades

After arriving on the wrong day for our flight and having to wait 12 hours in the airport and pay an additional 250 pounds, things have started to get better. We dragged all our luggage around a stinkingly hot Tarragona and went to the beach. Then we went to a mini festival, and bought a plate of grilled sardines and two glasses of cava for about 9 euros which was sweet and listened to the music. We hadn't eaten for ages because we were so conscious of how much extra missing that flight has cost us, so it tasted amazing.

We got to camp and met all the teachers, 15 girls and 5 boys!!! always the same ratio! and then we met all the kids etc. My class is class 12 this term, out of 19 classes, so a good level to teach and they're all really nice. They did pretty well in their exam on Friday too, so I am proud.

One kid in my other class however, wrote "Fuck" for a verb that begins with f during a game we were playing and then two other kids copied it and so I told them off then they said it was the first kid and then he said he didn't do it and had crossed it out but i could see under the crossings out that it was there and then i didn't give him a point for good behaviour like i said i was going to because it was completely unacceptable and then he said that I "lied to him" and that he was going to tell Simon, the director, on me!!!!! the shit. He also wrote in his classwork that he wants to kick Obama´s head around like a football. Slightly concerning.

Other than that I have mostly been playing chess (never knew about Rook switches!), taking photos on my SLR using the different settings, for example taking long exposure shots of all the kids dancing while SAM stands still among them, which should be cool, and high speed shots of diving into the swimming pool etc

The food is still shit, loooads of fish which is nice though. We dressed up for Ibiza night wearing all white recently and tomorrow it is Grease night again. We are learning the new dance and it is really hard! but a tune (El Mano Arriba)

Spanish is coming back to me quite nicely. Yesterday we had a picnic in Tarragona while everyone went out for a meal (we are skint) and we got prawns, seedy bread, gazpacho, salad and a raspberry vinaigrette which was amazing! for 10 euros, and we sat outside in a little park/fountain area which was also ON A ROUNDABOUT haha then we went to the beach and went in the sea about 4 times and there were little fish swimming with us and we floated and got a bit burnt and dehydrated but it was fine.

Also the other day I presented the theatre productions of each class, with George - one of the other teachers, and we were dressed up as mimes, which was really fun. But one of Sams kids dropped a bench on her foot and it swellled up like a purple balloon so he didn't really enjoy the theatre.

I have finished my film now, so will be getting those developed next time we´re in Tarragona, also will have my interview then, and will start looking for flats!!! it´s so exciting.

Mountains and the ZOO

Yesterday we went in the car about 50 km to the Bavarian Alps. We parked by the Olympic ski stadium where there are the jumps which are FUCKING huge. Then we went for a walk into the mountains where we had to pay 3 euros to enter the gorge which was so good after watching so many adventure films recently, like Avatar, seeing all these cool waterfalls in the rocks and rushing rivers and dripping ceilings and tunnels etc. We got through the gorge and came to a point where you can paddle in the river (German safety regulations are much better, it's judged more on a 'just be sensible and use your head basis' unlike the UK which is a lot more NO you can NOT go ANYWHERE near a car but here there is a thin wire made of dental floss between children, dogs and the GORGE with a deadly river running beneath.

We climbed the path up a very steep winding bit (with our panting and puffing host, Tim behind us) and eventually got to a beer hut where we ordered a schniztel and Sam had a MASS beer and I had a half litre and it got us pretty pissed, given the altitude influence! The view from the top was incredible, it was so good to be suddenly on a mountain adventure holiday! We stumbled back down the mountain (at one point my legs were fully shaking) which was pretty scary because it was rocky terrain and I was wearing flip flops!! ( I dont own walking boots, I think they are well gay)

We were super knackered after that and got home and a storm came with fuck off great lightening forks lighting up the sky and scary thunder and we went to bed shattered.

Today we got up at the crack of dawn because we had to get a lift at 8.30am to the nearest U Bahrn (underground) to travel to the Zoo. It was raining when we left the house but we hoped it would get brigher, by 9.30 we had arrived at H & M (WIN) which, after living out of a suitcase and wearing the same pair of shorts for about two months came as suuuuuch a nice relief to purchase a new item or two. My shorts have a broken zip and are super short and sometimes innapropriate, my other clothes are generally unsuitable a lot of the time so I seem to be carrying around a bag of useless items, including my Robert Welch kitchen knife ( On the premise that we were moving abroad) but that actually is usefull.

We got the zoo and the sun beat down. On arrival we immediately spotted deers :D my favourite, and then we saw bisen and then ducks and geese (fuck off geese) and then we saw big gorillas and monkeys and chimps and one big gorilla sat by the glass and touched hands with us and looked sad and then picked his nose and eyes and ate it. We then saw wolves, worms, fish, massive snakes, stick insects, tortoises, seals being fed and screaming in the ear of the feeder, and there was one massive fat seal at the back which was the king who didnt even need to leave his spot - the feeder just launched fish accross the pen to it out of respect to how big it is, seahorses, a tiger (not doing anything), lions, mandrills having sex (like baboons with a strange multicoloured penis), loads of goats which we could stroke and then had hands that smelt of goat, a puma, a panther, a brown European bear, a polar bear, elephants which were lifting logs up and taking them around the park, giraffes, camels, bats that flew around us, elchs, mountain goats, owls, siberian tiger, sting rays that had a polo pattern on them, sharks, kangaroos! that bounced but did not box, ostriches, emus, wicked pink flamingos! chimps, spiders (A German woman in a stripey shirt with short curly hair observing the spider next to us made an 'ooooeurrerurur' noise when she spotted the tarantula and put her hands by her head and made a scared face and then said something in German to us and we stared blankly at her. Whatever you want, they had. No whales though.

We walked for a thousand hours and broke every muscle in our legs, and bought an ice cream and I had to wait for the toilet because there was a little boy doing a poo in the girls toilet with the door open. Then suddenly at the zoo the atmosphere changed from lovely and sunny to ominous and cloudy. There was a mass exodus as everyone sensed the storm coming. We followed a man who looked like Rolf Harris to the exit and then pretty much ran all the way to the U Barhn as the rain pelted down. The lightening struck when we were on the train and it was mental, massive forks and bolts all over the sky around us. I was actually a bit scared. It lasted for ages as well, and we had to wait for a lift outside in it (wearing our summer weather clothing) it was the biggest storm I have ever seen.

When we got back our legs failed to work anymore and we ate dinner, drank a whiskey and are now going to bed for ever....

Films and Grazes

The children that live here are pretty funny, in the way that they have zero life skills. A full day of tears is in order if the play station three breaks (which it did) and manners are a total no no. Brats.

Sam and I have been mainly watching films and staying in because it has been a bit stormy of late. We have watched: Avatar, Angels and Demons, Leon (well good), 28 days later, lots of Americas next top model (Sam too), Aladdin, Endless sunshine of a spotless mind, Point break, Touching the void, Toy story 3 - woah, that's LOADS!

We cycled to the lake again the other day, swam accross it and back and then baked and cycled back which was a nice day of excerise. Last Sunday we got driven to Englischergarten which is one of the biggest parks in Europe and watched some surfers surfing an artificial wave on the river that runs through it! So surreal to see surfers in a non-sea setting. The wave didnt really appeal to me because of that. We drank liters of beer, ate some different foods (white sausage with a disgusting skin which we found out you're not supposed to eat) and a coleslaw type salad. Another sausage drowned in ketchup with a sprinkling of some sort of curry powder and a mass of potato salad (shit) and a HUGE pretzel - really nice salty chewy bread in a cool shape.

We also returned to the Greek restaurant with the family and shared a seafood platter for two which was actually to feed the five thousand. We finished it though and it was proper buff.

My present from Sam arrived a couple of days ago (rubbish not having a fixed abode sometimes) but it was worth the wait. It is a SLR camera, with loads of cool settings and a big zoom lens and different filters and it came with a film inside and battery and although is old, is in mint condition so das ist good.

I just properly applied for the Spanish teaching job (fingers crossed). The family have been in Austria the past three days so we have had the house to ourselves, but it's cleaning time now as they are returning today so I better go (also Americas next top model is on)

haha oh yeah also the other day we went to the park behind the house and went on a zip wire and about 3 minutes into playing I fell off and grazed my entire leg on the wood-chip and it was bleeding and Sam had to run home and get antiseptic wipes and a big plaster and some chocolate.

Executive accomodation

We got picked up by Tim, the guy who we will be staying with after a day out at a park which we could not find for ages. We heaved our luggage through the blistering streets and tried to ask in German but were answered with a string of 5-syllable words ending in 'platz' or 'streiss' and sort of just winged it and arrived at the park with our six pack of beer and a sausage or two. Super cheap beer here (1 euro 96 cents for a 6 pack) and reclined on the grass whilst every single elderly person appeared wearing exercise wear and began to set up their own tight rope. No joke. It was like tightrope club or something. So we watched and decided that we LOVE Germany even more.

We got into Tim's Audi 4x4 with DVDs in the back etc and leather interior and he told us he was taking us out for a Greek meal (Yesssssssssss) and the food was amazing. I had a grilled (massiive) portion of calamari with veg AND salad and Sam had a meat platter. We got shots (complimentary) of Ouzo on arrival and brandy on leaving and smashed (not literally) a bottle of wine. It was so yummy. He is a really nice family guy, into rock climbing and works long hours for the Eurofighter.

The first day we just chilled in the amazing house of his, watched Avatar and touching the void, bounced on the trampoline, used the kitchen to cook our own food which we have been looking forward to doing for so long (living with surrogate parents for such a long time is a bit tiring at 22!) and went to explore the town.

Yesterday we trampolined, cut the grass, Sam used the HOME GYM, then we cycled to a nearby lake and swam in it and watched some young German kids trying to set fire to their own stuff with lynx and a lighter? and swam out to the floating slide in the middle of the lake and the cycled back and cooked again and watched point break. Ahhhhh. It is SO relaxing here after the last place!

His family are coming tonight so we will probably be going into town on Saturday to give them some space. There is a ZOO here that we are going to, can't wait to actually see some real animals that aren't just depressed zebras crumpled in the corner of a box!! (aka Newquay Zoo)

From Rennes to Munich

So we got to Rennes via our lift share again, and realised in the car that we had booked the hotel for the wrong night and would therefore lose our 40 euros. Bollocks. We considered just sleeping on the streets because it was pretty warm but after having stayed in a shit caravan we didnt really want to degrade to the streets, especially as the following night we woulld be sleeping on a coach! so we got a standard hotel in Rennes and used the running water facilities with massive smiles!

We got our coach at 7.15 and there was a woman who would not stop staring at us with her beady eyes, so I said an assertive BONJOUR to her face and then she turned her beads away from us.

We thought we were going to be on the coach non stop to Munich for 27 hours but we got to Paris at about 1pm and then he kicked everyone off the bus and said get back here for 1opm and we will continue the pilgramidge from there. So we were like 'Sick! day out on Paris!' and jumped onto the metro and went immediately into town. We had to lug all our luggage (lug the luggage?) around with us which was a bit of a ball ache but it was still so good to be in a city where normal people exist. We went to say 'How's your father?' to the eiffel tower and took a quick pic and a small group of STREET RATS (children of the people who try to sell rusty eiffel tower keyrings to every forreigner) who just held up a shitty peice of paper which said something incomprehendible in it in a plastic wallet and so we told them to get fucked and they left. Dunno what they wanted.

Then we had cocktails and Sam bought me a hat and then we found a MAOZ!! which is my favourite restaurant of all time. Vegetarian fitness all you can eat for about 5 euros. Check out the website! There is one in Barcelona, Paris and London as well as the USA.

Then we got our night coach which was like a Polish sleepover, a thousand decibels of snores and grunts and shuffling as everyone tried to get comfortable and an old Indian couple who couldnt work the toilet door and he kept getting out of his seat to try to close it and then got tested because he couldnt and then his wife tried and she couldnt and they muttered something in Indian and sat back down.

We got to Munich at about 12pm on my birthday and it was soo good to get off the coach and have a wee and eat and drink and sam produced a bottle of vodka and we had a sausage and it was amaaazing and then we went and checked into the most gangster 4 star hotel Ive ever stayed in! ahhhhh I love Munich

Resurfacing

I have missed the internet.


So we arrived to La Faouet which is a tiny village; and waited for our host to pick us up. She arrived and had a shaved head with a fringe of grey wicks. We were stuffed into the back of a van and driven to a mysterious destination. The rain poured like never before. The back door was thrown open and we cast our eyes on the PINK and YELLOW shittly sprayed caravan and the yert. We were instructed (in German accent) to settle in the pink caravan and then come into the yert where everyone is. OK. Offered not a single drink or bite. Introduced to a man who wears a hat and a French girl. So dinner, funnily enough, turned out to be nettle soup! with plain pasta and burnt lentils - oh the contrast!

We then played a game of Finnish skittles, and a sweet small child arrived. Then we went to the caravan.


Basically it carried on like that for three weeks. The food was kinda dry and plain (lots of pasta and cheese) and there was hardly a single vegetable or fruit in sight! very dissapointed but it was apparently bzcause we were a bit early iin the year. They were lovely people though, if not totally crusty!!! There was no shower so it was an outside affair behind a sheet in a bucket with a hose. We started to build the solar shower which was hard work hammering and nailing in the sun but really rewarding and fun and Sam and I also built a gate together to keep the prospective chickens from escaping! There was no real electricity and no running water and EVRYTHING was bio (organic) we werent even allowed to use our shower gel as it wasnt organic so we were given some to use. It was hard not to laugh at the table at the amount of times the word BIO was used!!!!

We also planted corn, weeded several rows to plant beans and strawberries, made signs, hacked down a load of brambles and washed up by boiling the kettle; pumping the rain water in from outside.

The toilet was not too bad but was basically a room with a toilet seat which looked down onto the history of peoples poos and next to the seat is a tub of sawdust for throwing down it. Nice. Flies GALORE.

The caravan became a bit small after a while and all our stuff stinks (obviously no washing machine) so now we are in lorient again weère going to find a laundrette.

Overall it was a very basic existence, not a lot to do in the evenings and most of them toiled the feild until late so we were a bit bored. At dinner we were mostly silent witnesses as we arent properly able to converse but I am getting there. We crave a rave.

We just hitched to Lorient which was fun, made a sign and everything, and are waiting til 6pm to get another lift to Rennes; with the same woman who took us before which will be cool.

Now off to MUNICH!!!!!!!!

From Normandy to Brittany

Ok so we left La Paix after spending our final night in the gypsy caravan, which also had a HORNETS nest in it! we killed it tho so it was Ok and lit the tiny stove and cooked NETTLES for breakfast (which poached eggs on top and toast) gypsy stylee and Corey gave us some wine. Then we checked out the website for the next Farm and realised that it was going to be verrrry different!!! The next day we got our covoiterage with a lady called Ann who drove us to Lorient which took about 3 hours and we spoke Franglais all the way, she is an artist who drives from brussels to france twice a week. We Arrived at about midnight and hoped it would still be open, which it was. The next day on leaving the hostel, we planned to walk to the bus stop accross town and after moving about an inch with our luggage and instantly melted in the sun and could not move a centremetre further. So, an old fat French man approached us in our state of despair and said he would drive us to the bus station !!! well good! in the car he said something about British Soldiers in the war being essential and now young English people are indispensible to the French. So we got to the bus station and realised there wasnt a bus (to the middle of nowhere) for FIVE HOURS. We waited and waited and waited and then FINALLY, after dumping a few belongings in a nearby BIN, excersising our nonchalence, we took the bus...

Stung Ass and D day

I dont want the man who eats wild leaves dead anymore at all. Even though he elongates every 's' on the endsss of wordsss he is quite interesting. Apart from the fact that he beleives in BOILING tea alive, to release the flavours which we told him last night is WRONG.

Sam sat on a large stinging nettle today and stung his botty - it was too funny for words...he just got his little cheeks out there in the garden and frantically rubbed a doc leaf into it hahhaha


Yesterday we went to see the Bayeaux tapestry!! we went with a work awayer who is staying accross the road, called Romas? we weren't sure of his name all day, but he is a pretty interesting, if not mute most of the time, guy from Lithuania. The tapestry was amazing - so intricate. Then we went to the memorials for WWII - the British, with loads of personalised grave stones and not even a fraction of the men killed, all so young - it was so moving. I shed a tear. Then we went to the D day beaches, Point Du Hoc and Omaha, and it was so surreal and overwhelming. Then we visited the American memorial with all the thousands of white crosses, owned by Americans - it is all very big and American. LIBERTY! COMPETENCE! SACRIFICE! STRENGTH! Then we drove to Caen and had a desporados. Then we drove home.

Then we had a BBQ and Corey's daughter, 'Poppet' - the great pink - went back to the UK.

Today our lift fell through with the French man, Frederique, but it is ok, we think we have secured another lady to take us on the same day, and for cheaper at 16 euros each. Win

Caravan and canoeing

After that little rant about the characters, I totally forgot to mention what we've been upto recently. On wednesday, we drove to a town near where Mont St Michel is situated and did some work on a chalet caravan type thing which is owned by a friend of Bobs. We painted the railings, washed down the actual thing and it didnt even feel like work. The weather was amazing, I saw a lizard, we went swimming in a super cool fun swimming pool with wave machine, rapids, slides and then went on some pedalos. Then we had a tasty bbq and all was good. The next day we drove home via Mont St Michel, took a quick touristy picture, because it costs loads to get in and there was a thousand people and it looks like st micheals mount anyway. Then drove home via a little town where we stopped for a casual drink. Nicey nicey.

Then on Friday our day off, we were driven to Clecy, which is meant to be the capital of Suisse Normande, although it has NOTHING in it except the river which we canooed on. It was so good, we got a 2hr 4km paddle down the river which was so relaxing, perfect weather too. We took a picnic and bought some desperados and it was just generally an amazing day off. We might go to see the Bayeux tapestry tomorrow.

I'm reading perfume at the moment which is coooooooooool

Sam is getting fat

We have heard back from a third farm in Bordeaux where we will be feeding sheep and gardening (WIN) and I want to buy a lemon plant. Sam bought me some chocolates from a chocolaterie yesterday which are SO rich, and our host gave us an easter egg today filled with little chocolates. Happy easter!

The Jokes God

Oh my god.


So first the jokes god delivers us a northern 50 yr old woman who is full of woe and provides us with quotes and jokes for days, but now we have two gypsies staying here. The man, is about 60 with a GREY BOB and a rat face with a bent nose and a voice like the paeodofile from family guy who wears a customised straw hat and tries to talk to ME and look at ME and I look away because I dont want to listen or hear him eat and he breathes through his nose when he eats and I want him dead.

The woman is 30 and has a northern accent and sounds stupid because she says things like 'it were nice' and thinks everything which comes with melted cheese on is lasagne and asks sam if he has tried cucumbers for his HAYFEVER.

They also EAT the weeds and they repeat the SAME joke twice to each person, by saying "I got me own back on the weeds" and "missed a bit" to us. HILARE.

Saw a place called St. Hilaire yesterday.

AND THEN,

our hosts daughter arrives, who is CLINICALLY OBESE and wearing a Pale pink pyjama set!!!! wtf


So now we have to sit at the table with these people each night and try not to die. Tonight we have to go for drinks accross the road at the place where the other English couple live, who are death as well, and ALL GET TOGETHER. Me and Sam are like kids who don't wanna go but have to because we were told to. HAHAAAA

MUDFEST

SHITE MOP WILLY

is who Sam was yesterday, whilst we were up to our fuckin' knees in cow pat!! well pretty much. We were in charge of weeding the pond, which was just a mud pit, and then building the dam so that the stream would form a pond in the garden. It was proper jokes, and super warm - we were in swimming wear! but after loads of mud fights I think a bit was ingested because I have a stomach ache today! anyway it was so much fun! Also Corey bought us some wine down to celebrate the construction of the pond. The mud pit was oozing and gurgling as we stomped around in it and sometimes it felt like we were stepping on bodies but they were good because they were higher up then the bottom of the lake so acted like platforms, I wonder who they were though.

Have been taking it easy due to this stomach ache, weeding is a lot of leaning forward which is uncomfortable so have been preparing the hanging baskets around the cafe, seeing LOADS of spiders, eating roast pork, lemon sorbet, stir frys and listening to the ipod. Ordering some luggage as my bag is ripping and pretty moth eaten, and planning our next farm or two. Also been offered a job in Reus, which I have been informed is a pretty guarenteed job if I apply, but a friend from English Summer, and it would be a years work so me and Sam are thinking about getting a flat in the outskirts of Tarragonna or Barcelona and just jamming there for a bit. Very much excite!!!

Tomorrow, a Scouse couple of age 30 and 60 are coming, who will definitely provide us with another array of jokes, but we are going to go out to a campervan to do some work on it with Bob, and then visit Mont St Michel on the way back, a two day trip all round. Then it will be our final week at La Paix!!! the time here has gone so quickly. We have had amazing weather this week and are getting browner. We finished reading Brighton Rock aloud and are now reading Starter for Ten and Brave New World.

We need to spend a night in the gypsy caravan soon, before we leave.

Sam has covered me in tattoos with a biro, of a bubbling bird haha

HIKE

We like to use incorrect French in an ironic way. For example, if someone says, Bonjour! we will say oh, BON ANNIVERSAIRE! pretending that it's fully correct. hahaha its jokes.

Bonjour!


Aujourd Oui!

Come on TOUT APPEL! (works best in a northern accent)

Today we went on a NINE KILOMETER HIKE around Suisse-Normandy. It looks a lot like Cornwall, loads of up and down hill and we walked parallel to a river for a lot of it which was pretty. We went with the American couple who are really cool and inspirational. They are about 28 and are married and have been together ten years but are really happy and sweet, like a model couple and; as I said, are photographers so we've been subject to some really cool shots which I'll upload at some point later.

Yesterday we went to the market again, and bought some fresh strawberries and radishes and sweets and Sam bought his Crepe :D

We have been painting the garden furniture recently which is a welcome break from weeding but made the rookie error of not mixing the first pot of paint ("Gentle Lavender") properly, so the first chairs came out dark purple and the next lot were left with a WHITE coat, so we just used the remaining white to do an undercoat on all the rest of it.

After the hike we stopped at the start point and got a beer and then the cafe man bought us out a plate of LOADS of cheese and a glass of wine each for fifteen euros for four which was really nice. When we got back we were so tired, but had to go accross the road, to our host's friends Geoffe and Lynne who have been here in France for years too, and had drinks with them and their Lithuanian Wwoofer.

Last night we cooked for them, a vegetarian meal of bean chilli stuffed inside a yellow pepper, Sam made a Thai papaya salad for starter and then Paul made marinaded tofu and we picked some purple sprouting broccoli from the garden. (WIN x 10000 for me in terms of feed as i'm pretty cheesed and carbed out)

New arrivals

Yesterday was another STEAMINGly hot day. We have been promoted to weed pullers in the vegetable patch because there has been an arrival of an American couple. Aged 28, married, photographers. They have taken over the lavender weeding, and it's a nice, well-earned break. They took a nice polaroid of us in our work gear looking standard, but we love it because it really captures the day. YAR YAR YAR MMM YAR

There is a bed and breakfast next to the farmhouse which is pretty constantly occupied (it's fresh inside) and recently there was a northern woman staying on a 'zen weekend' and she came to dinner with us one night. It was super jokes because at the first question anyone asked her, like "So what do you do" or something simililarly basic, she answered with the biggest tale of woe ever known to man.

"I have two twin daughters, and my partner doesnt love me and Ive been crying myself to sleep every night for the last two weeks and nothing can placate me" etc. HEAVY shit and we were like heh ok... and then our hosts, Cory and Bob kept a thousand litres of wine flowing into everyones glasses and we had a 4 course meal, including CHEESE course after mains. It was massive, and really tasty.

Me and Sam have consequently been having LOADS of jokes recently about her (its not harsh) and certain characters from eastenders. GUS the street cleaner, and Trevor, the scottish anger problem. We cant help but talk in an array of voices whilst we are weeding and we sort of think we are delerious and going a bit mad, but its fine haha I was in a proper state of uncontrollable giggles today. Sam was being mad as a hatter.

We painted some garden furniture also yesterday which was a really nice task to do, in the shade of the willow tree but Sam was not happy because we were using metal paint, which was a pale lavender colour, onto a white base, but he was getting well stressed because the paint strokes were really visible and looked shit and it had to be perfect (to him) and he was teasy and hungry anyway but it was hilare for me.

He eats for ten. The American photographers find this amazing and take photos of his massive helpings.

They are vegetarians so it's kind of cool for us because it was mainly a meat fest at dinner but last night we had a sick vegetarian curry selection made by Bob.

It's hard not to break into a silly American "My name's Rachel Zoe, and I'm a stylUST" voice forgetting that they are around!

We are nearly finished reading Brighton Rock - I'm reading to Sam and are still just totally loving it here.

Apparently there is a water RAT that lives in the stream here, cant wait to see that. Also there are mice that can be heard running around in the walls of where we sleep, but I like to think of them as hat wearing, waistcoat wearing, moustache bearing, pot bellied characters who are French and friendly so it helps when i shit myself when I hear them.

Also going to the toilet in the night is a joke because it is outside, and you have to climb over a fence and go around the corner with a torch. Sometimes I am scared of the murderers and hills have eyes people that live round here and ALWAYS need a wee in the night because of the fat intake of wine we have at dinner which is late, so I need to kind of man up and stop waking Sam up to come with me haha

(All sparked by a dream about a man named BILL CLAVA though, which is well scary it is like balaclava and meat CLEAVER so you can't blame me)

What sort of witches live in the dessert? SANDWICHES


we are looking into catching a lift with someone, via an online sharing scheme, to get to our next farm to save some money, not that we are spending a SINGLE penny which is well good.

Samedi

Today we walked into town with the intention of going swimming at the pool in town which has a retractable roof between the hours of 12.30 and 1.30pm, but, being the wastemen we are, we didn't get there on time and so we walked around the town in the beating sun with no available shops to accomodate our needs as everything closes for lunch for two hours at midday!! of course.

So we eventually walked to an Aldi, bought a sweet picnic of cider, ham, carrot salad and bread, and of course Sam bought a fat from a local pattisserie and then we sat in a park, after asking for directions in French from a really French-looking old man with a sparkle in his eye and then walked home, buying Sangria (1.5 LITRES for ONE EURO) on the way. We sat in the hammock in the garden and drank it and the day was passed very easily indeed. The tan deepens...


Here is a joke from the book "My first joke book" -

Why shouldn't you walk bare foot in the grass??


Because it is full of blades.


hahaaaaa

talking of blades, at the market yesterday there was a SHANK stall. We were saying how well that would go down in London ha!

Bonjour!

Bonjour tout le monde!

So we made it, we got thet 2pm ferry from Portsmouth along with about 500 French school kids who all looked like they were out of a french textbook and were mad for life and loving the onboard entertainment (a man who was a terrible entertainer on the boat who kept tailing his words with a heeearYEEE sound which was appaling.)
We got in a bit of French practice at the bar by odering a few celebratory drinks in to set sail with. The weather on board was immediately lovely and we sailed off into a perfect sunset.

There we were collected from Caen by Bob, our first host who drove us home to La Paix and we were welcomed into an amaaaazing farmhouse (gangster) which smelt of oak were shown to our abode, which is an outhouse with a downstairs living space and an upstairs sleeping space which you get up to via ladder. It is so cool. There are loads of books and wine and lavender oil in our little outhouse and we have our own key etc so lots of privacy and space to make a mess in.

We had some cheese and wine on our first night which was so good and then had a well needed sleeep...

we awoke to the sound of a cockeral screaming at the top of it's lungs (in English - a proper cock a doodle DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO with perfect diction) haha Sam hates the fact that it does it ALL Day and not JUST in the morning and the evening like it SHOULD - and birds twittering in the nearby trees. Not a single car or bus or citizen around. The weather was shorts and tshirt weather from the morning and we had a breakfast of fruit, yoghurt and fresh bread and then were shown our work; the lavender. We were set to work weeding the lavender plants, which was back breaking at first and our arms were scratched into works of art and bleeding and burnt and crusty and we were super hungry by lunchtime but it felt SO good because it was a well earned meal instead of waiting at a screen to get a fake hunger and the cupboards and fridge here are free reign for us to make our own and stocked with every single cheese and ham under the sun. Dinner is cooked for us though, and on the first night we had a well fit chilli. It rained quite heavily on the first evening and we were cosy and read our books and chilled in our out house very happily.

The weather since the rain has been super sunshine, tan is already developing!!! and we have been working 6 hours a day, mostly weeding the plants and clearing all of the fallen leaves around them and we have discovered lots of insects: there is Mr. Stripes, a very keen bee who lives near our door who wants to come in but doesnt actually come in, i think he prefers the fantasy. There is also a 'Mosh' which is a GANGSTER looking beetle, pretty big and metallic looking, gold and purplish. We called it Mosh cos it looks so fly. There is also JUMPING SPIDERS - David you would HAAATE and several wormy wormingtons (mr. Mington).

There is a mad-for-it collie called Mia who is ten months old who lives here who constantly wants to play fetch, she is soo sweet. She has a selection of toys including Rat, chicken bone, stick and now frisbee and likes to drop it in front of you and then leg it really far away before you've even picked it up and stares from a distance at you until you throw it.

The people are so safe, A dutch lady who is multi lingual and a man from London who cooks well fit food for us in the evening and works a la Jardin tous les jours. we On the sunday had roast VEAL which was sooo fit, and just well good that we got a Roast!!

We took the bikes into the nearby village which is just up the road but has nothing but a church and a hotel and then a day or two later (losing track of what day is which) walked the very scenic route into the nearby town (4km) Conde-Sur-Noireau and Sam bought a fat from one of eight pattiseries!

We popped the bubbly that sam bought from his work with our hosts on the first night and it was niiice and there is wine that flows from the fridge non stop. After work (and at lunch sometimes) it is a question of red or white. When in France... :)

The acheyness wore off from the work after the first few days and our arms are healing but is just so nice to be outside working and not clock watching and just enjoying life, it really is ideal.

Tomorrow is our first day off so we are either going to go Kayaking in the nearby river or maybe a la piscine or just out on a big rambling adventure. There is a pregnant sheep next door who looks well gutted to be so fat and woolly in this weather and all it says is BAA and reminds me of the youtube video called goat screaming like a man and is hilare.

This morning we cycled to the nearby village to the French market and it was so authentic (with the French accordian music and everything) and bought some massive strawberrts and a crepe au chocolate and I got rinsed by the market man because I asked for une orange seulement when everyone else was buying in bulk haha i didnt understand the rinse tho so it was fine. The market men have well funny voices and all the women are elderly and look like Lynne from Alan Partridge and the market was full of 90s clothes that you would see on a Polish worker and it was hilare.

Sorry this post is kind of late, actually i'm not sorry, it's well good not giving a fuck about the internet! we havent even had a single desire to go online and it will probably stay with that. Well enjoying the absence of adverts and the dryness of London. We are reading Brighton Rock and Brave New World which are both really good but the books on the shelf are taking my fancy... in particular 'Secrets of the gnomes' and 'glorious Knitting' (NOT) but true about secrets of the gnomes (apparently the conical hats are to stop falling objects from hitting them) I think im going MAD. hahahahaaaaa

Not long now

Just under four weeks to go until we set off! everything is booked: TEFL, Ferry, travel insurance, health card, phone is cancelled, cornwall is booked to collect stuff, brighton is booked for a final three day trip to finish my dissertation (finally) and say goodbye to people.

This weekend was fun, saw Grace who i hadnt seen in years, Felix, Will, Holly and went to the theatre on friday with Sam to see a comedy version of Hamlet, which was well jokes. Had one glass of wine and got pissed.

Sam picked me up from Greenwhich on Saturday night on the bike at about 2am and it kept breaking down and we had to run with it to get it started about three times hahaaa but I was concentrating on being a passenger this time, and not falling off the back with drunkness like last time hahaaa.

Cooked a well nice chicken roast yeseterday, with STUFFING balls and roasted butternut squash avec chilli, garlic and honey. BUFF.

So good to see the sun has got all his hats on today :)

Naughty worker

He’s working in your office where he’s stealing all your pens,
he’s using up all the toilet roll and blocking the U-bends,
it's hard to identify him, because on the system he’s just a number,
he’ll make the office smell of smelly food yeah tuna and cucumber

Ten minutes of doing nothing has passed. So he takes a comfort break,
says he needs to stretch and go and get himself a flake,
or maybe a curly wurly - it's a hard decision to make,
twenty minutes spent at the machine without enough change


A waste man, a space cadet, a responsibility shirker
you've got yourself a rubbish deal employing a naughty worker

Unconcerned and snoozy smelling of fags and sex and boozy
lackadaisical and laggard, with an appearance thats kind of haggard
lethargic, lifeless and loafing, with the attitude that a sloth brings
into such an environment where the aim is to take the piss
and the receptionist hates the way he blows her a dirty kiss
and all the tubes have strikes again it really is a shame
that all the possible ways he tries to arrive result in more delay


No exertion, no production and no desire to knuckle down
he has an effect like botox on the managers consistent frown
he spends his time just writing rhymes while sitting at his desk
and asks a manager to spell check them to ensure that they’re the best


a waste man, a space cadet, a responsibility shirker
you've got yourself a rubbish deal employing a naughty worker!

He spills his drinks upon the keyboard and causes technical damage,
it's already fucked from all the crumbs he spilled out of his sandwich
and when you walk on over to ask him to do some work,
he responds with a dickhead comment and unbuttons his shirt

After a disciplinary letter and threats of harsher forces
you realise that his dad is working in human resources!

Fashion Faux Pas

Fashion Faux Pas

Noticable from afar because you’re dressed like a star and the way you turn heads slows the buses and the cars
I really like your jacket did you get it tailor made? It looks like you chose the finest tailor in the trade
And looking at your shirt beneath I can see that it is gleaming, the suit that you have on must have come straight from the dry cleaning

Moving south of your person I can see that somethings wrong
and I can only fool myself for so long
There they are lurking beneath your marks and sparks socks
I wish my eyes were failing me, but your wearing fucking Crocs.

Strutting down the street as if you’re the bees knees,
and its not my place to stop you, you can do as you please
but where the fuck did something in your brain just completely fail
when deliberating in the shoe shop at the clearance sale ?
The ‘fashion page’ you saw them on must have been the daily mail
re-enforcing the image of the fat middle-aged female


Take the weight off your feet? stop you getting hot and bothered?
don't idolise Kerry Katona or any other stupid boggers!
yet most shit celebrities have tried them at one stage or another
...even Mr Bush has stuffed his foot into the rubber.

Don't buy them they’re disgusting, they’re repulsive and grotesque!
If you want an easy ride in life give buying them a rest!
I don't care if they come in all the colours of the rainbow
when you wear them, you look shit and annoying and you move slow.

And its the ugly little charms
that cause more visual harm
to the unlucky passers by
who cannot believe their eyes

So next time you go into a Footlocker near you,
stay away from the section that smells like poo
do yourself a favour and really think it through
before you choose to wear such a hideous excuse for a shoe

Books

Here are some of the books I have read:


The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
A Spot of Bother - Mark Haddon
The Princess Bride - William Goldman
The Harry Potter series (up to the penultimate)- J.K.. Rowling
The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
Chocolat - Joanne Harris
The Alchemest - Paulo Coelho
The Book of Tomorrow - Cecelia Ahern
Wilt in Nowhere - Tom Sharpe
A Boy Called it - David Pelzer
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
The Hobbit – J.R.R. Tolkien
The Magic Faraway Tree – Enid Blyton
One Day - David Nicholls
Blackberry wine - Joanne Harris
Cocktails for three - Sophie Kinsella
Brighton Rock
Purfume - Patrick Suskind

Musical Comedy Awards

On Saturday I performed my call centre song and fat song at the live heats (round three) of the musical comedy awards. I was so excited in the run up to it, and a bit nervous about performing (mainly remembering the lyrics) but Sam was more stressed than me! The backing track for the Call centre song wouldn't copy onto the blank CD that he had dashed out to get on the day of the performance ha-ha so then we tried to put it on a memory stick, but after calling the venue decided it was best to just take the laptop. The sound check cleared a lot of nerves and gave me a real rush! the bright lights and not being able to see anyone in the audience is a thrill.

I only ate an apple and a banana before the performance and didn't drink too much for fear of slurring my words! and when they called my name to perform I didn't know it was my turn!! so just said 'Jugstyle' inst my real name, which they laughed at, and this is my first performance so to bear with me. Then I did call centre then fat song and they love it and it went fine and everyone thought I had a really good chance of getting through to the next round!

I didn't get through to the next round but saw loads of great acts, met loads of funny and helpful names in the business and received some good feedback from a lot of the acts who couldn't believe it was my first performance.

Then we went to Carolin's and got pissed on GIN :)

I think I will definitely keep writing songs and might keep an eye out for some open mic nights around London as it was so much fun.

Working at the London School of Business and Finance

"Good morning You're through to the London School of Business and Finance, Jenna speaking, how can I help?"

"aloeitjuaoerighjio"

"I'm sorry can you repeat that please?"

"okkoejrwiehwiuheeehhhhhhhhhehehehhe!!!!sitjwoith!"

"You're going to have to say that again please"