Final night in Bangkok

So we woke up after an epic night of Johnny having the sickness and diarrhear all night. I went to catch a few final rays on the beach and then we said goodbye to Jai and Abie and got a taxi to Koh Samui airport. The airport was just like a garden centre, about one departure gate and flowers everywhere. The flight was easy, but the food they tried to serve us was like joke food. a hard sweet bread that contained one peice of smoked fish that gave you a rough taste in your mouth, and what looked like a slice of cheesecake until you tried it and realised it was EGG. Also some sort of custard dough. RANK. We got to Bangkok and asked at a desk for a 'nice hotel near to the airport' We go to the hotel and after the last place, its a dump!! its ok but its just a bit shabby. The pool is on the roof and looks like the roof of a multi storey car park. Its also in proper slum area and theres loads of stink outside in the river. It looks like where Eminem grew up or something. We left the hotel in search of somewhere nice to eat and after walking through the slums getting sketchy looks we arrived onto the MOTORWAY. We walked down for a bit and realised there wasnt going to be a nice hotel around so we flagged a taxi and, not knowing where the hell we were, we just asked to go to 'somewhere nice to eat'. He drove for a bit then his phone rang and he passed it to us! some woman on the line asked where we wanted to go so she passed our message to him and then he drove up the motorway for a bit, then turned and went back for a bit, then turned right and drove into this weird slumdog place and we exchanged looks of kidnap fears and scams etc. Then eventually we arrived at this floating restaurant which looked really nice. There were fish swimming around, like massive coy carp, and the whole thing was rocking like a boat. The menu was a complete joke, the translations were so funny. Stuff like "Fried snake head with fish dress" ERR WHO??? so out of the blue I asked the woman for a blow job. (It was on the cocktail menu but johnny hadnt seen it so he gave me the weirdest look and it was gold!hahaha) then i ordered papaya salad with blue crab, THINKING I WOULD PLAY IT SAFE. WRONG.


Johnnys two dishes came about half an hour before mine, and he tucked in, I'd already had my blow job which was just a shot of Kahlua with some whipped cream on the top that you drink through a straw, then mine came. It was a normal papaya salad but with small COLD BLUE CRABS on it, i seriously thought they were alive. They looked like they had come STRAIGHT FROM A ROCK POOL! I immediately took them off and put them on a sideplate. they werent even edible i swear, they had no meat and were fucking cold!! anyway i started on the salad and it was HOTTER THAN THE SUN!!! i can do heat but JESUS christ. SO didnt eat much. Then we got bitten alive by mosquitos but it was a really pretty setting on the water. Then i had a massive cocktail and we went back onto the motorway to try to get a cab. Not a single cab. Only CRAZY motorcylists going about 120mph wearing NO HELMET with NO LIGHTS!!!! fucking MENTAL place!!! anyway we're back at the hotel now and ready to go home! hahaha just hoping we are not ill for the 12 hour plane ride!!!